Tag Archives: Valentine’s Day

When will he call you?

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Ladies, we wait and wait for that phone call, don’t we? Of course, we don’t want men to know that, but men, we are.

The Setting: We either just got home from a spectacular first date, or we have just been dumped by our boyfriend of two years. We are waiting for the voice on the other end of the call to either tell us– “Wow! You’re amazing. I would love to see you again.” Or “I miss you. I was an idiot to ever think I could do better than you.”

But what our irrational-love-infused mind cannot comprehend is that a watched pot never boils (and trust me, I make a lot of pasta!) And it’s the reasoning behind why we do wait. It’s why when we type into Google, “When will he…” call is the third guess Google has for us (propose is first, followed by ask me out). It’s why we go to the bookstore to find the self-help books. It’s why we watch all six seasons of Sex and the City after a breakup. But the answer isn’t in the aforementioned places. It’s right here, on my blog.

So, when will he call you?

Never.

Ouch! Harsh? Perhaps. Truthful? For sure. If it has been over a month and no word from that person, start looking elsewhere. But don’t drown in your sea of sorrow, reader. You’re awesome! Unfortunately for him, he couldn’t see that.

When you’re with a new love and/or have moved on to bigger and better.

Exes always seem to come back at the wrong time (for them). It’s usually the right time for you. You know, when you’ve moved across the country, got more attractive, and have dated at least three men since him. Humor him though! It’s a wonderful ego stroke.

When your phone dies or is turned off.

Going off the grid on purpose is a freeing experience. I visited Vancouver, British Columbia about a month ago, and turned my phone off (namely because I was roaming…) And for those two days, I didn’t care about the possibility of someone not being able to reach me. But have you ever had your phone die unexpectedly when you’re not within distance to a charger? Oh, god! What a terrible feeling. When I got back into the States after my short adventure, someone called me and left a voice-mail.

The moral of the story: leave the country for a few days. He’ll call. Sans passport? Turn phone off.

When you change your phone number.

You decide to do a reckless thing after your breakup. You’re in Stage 3 of I have a Broken Heart, now what?: ANGER. You think, “Oh yeah? He doesn’t want me in his life anymore?! FINE! I’m going to go change my number. Now he will never be able to contact me.” And you do go change it. He inevitably will call because that’s how Life works. And remorse starts to set in. But really, why would you want to get back together with someone who pretty much deemed you unlovable?

If anything, you still have facebook to get in contact with one another.

Calm down, it has only been four hours.

You’re too eager. Let him miss you a bit, yeah? Good.

Not on Valentine’s Day.

He won’t even know it is Valentine’s Day. February 14 is just another day in the year. (As it should be…)

He won’t. He’ll text you.

Along with the rest of my generation, I loathe talking on the phone. We prefer text. I break out in sweat at the thought of having to call someone to set up a hair appointment. What do you mean I can’t do this online?!

So when you hear your phone ringing for some odd reason, don’t get your hopes up! It’s just an automated voice trying to sell you an alarm system.

When he wants to.

Yep. If he genuinely is interested in you, reader, he will call you. It’s hard to wrap one’s head around that but he will. Why? Because you’re awesome and he knows it.

Or you could discard all of these answers and call text him yourself.

*Jamie snapped this shot in Portland, OR.

Valentine’s, Schmalentine’s Day.

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Being single on Valentine’s Day does not terrify me. It does not depress me. I do not eat a pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream, producing moisture on my cheeks, as I watch Lifetime movies. I don’t, as that is terribly cliche. Rather, I  stop at Dunkin Donuts to indulge in a large hot coffee (two Splenda) and a Reverse Boston Kreme doughnut (see below) before work.

In fact, I’ve been single more times than I’ve actually been with someone on February 14. And to be honest, I’m not missing much. What? Chocolate in a heart-shaped box? An impersonal card that some man female copywriter wrote? Flowers?

I will admit, however, I love dining out with a man, so this is inevitably missed. But really, I could do this any other day of the week when a reservation is not needed. (Okay so a man would be needed as well.) I also would probably miss a night of getting horizontal with someone, too.

I do not sulk at the thought of couples being wined and dined in the booth just for two. I work at a restaurant, I see this on an every day basis. Just two days ago, a marriage proposal was set up at the restaurant. Really? Valentine’s Day weekend? How unoriginal of you, man. I also do not become bitter as I deliver flowers to the higher-ups at the newspaper.

Because I don’t fall for the fauxliday that’s created by Hallmark. Some will say that I am just bitter because I’m single. That’s not true because if I wanted someone to take me out tonight, I’m sure someone would oblige to humor me.

So, how did Hallmark come into the picture anyway? Oh, I know.

Think like a corporation for a second. A corporation trying to survive in a capitalist society on steroids. To be considered successful in the world, one must make a shit load of money.

Corporations decided to prey upon the naive consumer, in particular, the in-love consumers. All the while making the single consumer feel bad about themselves for not being good enough, not lovable enough for someone. Maybe I should have bought the anti-aging cream.

Hallmark thought,

“Gee, we need some money. We have all these damn cards and people are only buying them for bat/bar mitzvahs, birthdays, and circumcisions. That’s not making us enough to feed our greedy souls! How about we create some crap holiday where couples show how much they think they love one another. How about a card that reads ‘I love you’?”

“You think people would actually buy that?”

It’s estimated that over $15 million will be spent during the fauxliday this year. Whether it’s cards, chocolate, flowers, or dinner. After all, they’re in the business of money, not love. Like every holiday, it, too, has become terribly commercialized. Christmas is  about camping outside a retail store nine days before Black Friday to get the best deal on a big-screen television.Retail stores will even take advantage of Earth Day to have an excuse for a sale, to have an excuse to get a customer in their store. I hate consumerism.

l’m ending with a moment of Don Draper.

What you call love is invented by men, like me, to sell nylons.