Good evening, ladies! Welcome to the main event of the night.

Introducing first: Fighting out of the blue corner, this man is an Alpha Male. He stands 6-feet-1-inch tall, weighing in at 185 pounds. Women find him attractive and hot. He is cocky, unemotional, and can be described by friends as dominant and a leader. He enjoys working out, playing sports, and acting tough.  He fights out of Cincinnati, Ohio. Introducing Max…”Protein Shake”..Powers!

Fighting out of the red corner, this man is a Beta Male. He stands 5-feet-10-inches tall, weighing in at a mere 152 pounds. Women consider him intellectually stimulating, and cute. Maybe. He is insecure, sensitive, and can be described by friends as smart and quirky. He enjoys reading, playing guitar, and writing. He fights out of San Diego, California. Introducing Seth…”Word Nerd”…Cohen!

Cue the howls of the ladies in the crowd.

Introducing our only judge of the evening, Jamie Lee. She’s had multiple years of ranting, raving, and writing about the opposite sex, and has tasted a bit of each of the two types. And tonight, ladies, she will be making the final decision of who captures her heart more often than not.

Let’s get ready to rumble!!!!!!!!!

When we first meet someone of the opposite sex, and haven’t heard the knock from the thought that asks, “Do we or do we not want to have physical relations with one another?” we base the answer on the person’s physical appearance. Is he tall? Check. Does he have hair? Check. Is he wearing jean shorts? No? Good.

He moves on to the next round because we have said “I do” to the aforementioned question. Or at least didn’t cringe at the thought of it.

Alpha males know they are attractive. Sometimes it’s confidence. Sometimes it’s cockiness. (Other times, it’s just denial.) Alpha males usually win if placed against a beta male. It’s life. It’s social Darwinism–only the strong survive. Yet, in this case, it’s whoever looks more appealing to the woman. But how long are good looks really going to last? His big muscles aren’t going to be the one to tell you how much he adores you. His big muscles, however, will be fishing for compliments. And that is just stroking more of his ego.

In high school, began my fascination of baseball players. At 15, I quickly learned that they were the epitome of a good-looking alpha male. They weren’t (normally) overweight like American football players. Their faces weren’t covered in a face mask, making the sport more enjoyable to watch. They walked around school with an aura of confidence. They knew they were good looking.

But I am insecure. I am an introvert. I admit that I can be socially awkward at times (because I abhor small talk). I am a listener, and often get told “You’re so quiet.” Naturally, I was attracted to someone without those said qualities. Alpha males are the complete opposite of me.

Yet at the same time, alpha males intimidate me. Whenever I muster enough courage to talk to one of them, the conversations are quite dull. (Not because of me. Duh.) But something is missing. Alphas usually think Will Ferrell is hilarious. (He isn’t.) Alphas normally enjoy working out, and inevitably they are athletic. They smell of testosterone, even after out of the shower. They rely on their good looks to attract a female. Plus,

Men who are too good looking are never good in bed because they never had to be.

To be with an alpha male is simply a fantasy. It’s similar to what a child thinks when he or she hears the words Disney World. Their eyes light up with anticipation. Their stomach does a flip when the thought of meeting Mickey Mouse. But a visit to Disney World smacks them with a dose of reality: it’s a tourist trap with a mob of people who are all trying to meet Mickey.

It’s the idea that seems entirely wonderful. But I know I’d be disappointed because the relationship is based purely on the sexual attraction of one another. There would be no witty banter, no intellectual stimulation of the mind or laughing out loud when hearing the words reverse Boston creme.

After the physical attraction simmers down, I try to learn about this person. I want to know everything I can to see if there is something other than physical attraction. And I’ve finally found the question to ask someone of the opposite sex to decipher whether or not he is an alpha or a beta.

Do you prefer cats or dogs?

“Dogs,” he says. Alpha.

“Cats,” he says. Beta.

“I don’t like animals,” he says. This interview is over.

The epitome of a beta male.

If he is a cat guy, I am instantly smitten. I know his type. He’s a beta male. Think: fictional character, Tom Hansen. Or real life James Franco.

Betas are the right-brained men of the world. He is usually the creative type, with a big imagination. He reads, he writes, and he cooks. He is a dreamer and is musically inclined. He is a sensy. All of these are deal sealers.

He usually gets looked over by women because he doesn’t fit that mold that society considers “hot.” But rather, cute. However, this should not be considered a bad thing. Cute means personality. Hot means dull. (Remember that, ladies.)

He is smart. He is witty. He is the kind of man who makes the almost-perfect boyfriend. He knows he isn’t Brad Pitt, and makes the effort to woo you with his words and his charm. He appreciates you, even with your flaws.

He is a beta, and he is the type to completely capture my heart over and over again.