Tag Archives: facebook

I’m late, per usual.

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There are two things about me that have never changed, nor probably ever will: I’ve always been late, and I’ve always enjoyed a bit of dilly-dallying. It has taken me this long to come to the conclusion that the two are correlated with one another.

I have absolutely no sense of time (or direction). I like to blame this entirely on my mom. When we hear, “Want to meet at 2pm?” We’ll probably be there fifteen minutes later. As other kid’s parents were on time (or even early) greeting their children at the pick-up line at school, I was the last child to be picked up at school. Naturally I’d think the worst–I knew she loved my brother more and has completely forgotten about me! Crying usually ensued.

Along with being late, I enjoy wasting time. It apparently started young in life, too. My mom would always tell me, “We don’t have time for you to dilly-dally. We need to go!” What does dilly-dally mean, I’d ask.

I set my alarm for at least least two hours before work. But the problem is? I’m still late. Reasoning? I love wasting time. The idea of not having to rush is lovely. I slowly savor each of my mornings by drinking two cups of coffee, checking out facebook newsfeed, and laughing at cat pictures. You know, anything that does not involve getting ready for the day. I’ll continuously give myself five more minutes before having to get in the shower. Oh, wait! A few more minutes! I have to finish watching this Cat and Flute video. Ooooh, Cat Bowling under related videos? Click.

Shit! I have to leave for work in 20 minutes and still haven’t made my lunch! The rushing proceeds.

However, work has just implemented a punch-in system on the computer. (Like most jobs.) Before, it was the reliable honor system: write your hours on a printed calendar template from Microsoft Word. When doing it this way, it was okay to sneak in five to eight minutes late. That’s no longer the case. Not since February 1. Now, my directors will see that I am perpetually late. Although we are given a three-minute grace period, I know I will abuse it. I will come so close to hitting that three minute mark I will be speeding my way there, all the while bitching at the laid-back drivers and bicyclists of Portland. If only I left five minutes early I’d say to myself aloud. If only.

Work is also generously giving us three strikes, and after that? We’re out! Well not fired, but supposedly will be written up. (Nice baseball metaphor though, huh?)

It has been ten days since work started the punch-in system, and I have been on time everyday since. (At least with the help of the three-minute grace period.) And you know what I’ve learned? Being on time (or even early) falls under the category The Greatest Feeling in the Whole Entire World. Some other things would include: sleeping in on a Sunday (with a nice-looking man beside you), coming home to a fridge stocked with beer, and leaving the state you began to loathe for the state you fell in love with.

Even though work is forcing me to be on time, I hope the man in my life (a stickler for being on time) doesn’t actually believe I’m going to give up my dilly-dally habit.

*GettyImages.

The 10ish types of couples I hate*.

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I’m a singleish woman in my early twenties. Inevitably, couples sort of annoy me. And not because I’m bitter either. But because when people are in love they do irksome things, which can be oblivious to the twosome, but something singletons are completely aware of. Don’t get me wrong–I get it as it’s truly a wonderful feeling.

Nonetheless, in no particular order I present to you–the different types of couples in which I hate*. I simply had to visit facebook for 17 minutes to come up with the following tenish. (However, it took threeish weeks to write.) So, yes, you and your significant other may or may not have been a bit of inspiration to my post.

[*Writer's note: Hate may be a bit strong of a word.]

1. The couple who share a facebook page.
Firstly, why? I understand that you are together, but we must remember Relationship Rule #3: Do not lose your identity. How do I mean? Well, you are your own individual person. I am sure there has been a point in everyone’s (or just mine) relationship where someone loses their identity. If you share a facebook account with your partner, you are no longer you. You do remember who that is, right? YOU! That extremely awesome person you were before he or she came around. You had hobbies (not his). You had friends (not his). And you even had aspirations (not putting yours aside for him.. ahem). Perhaps it’s about convenience? Naaaaaah. Perhaps they think it’s a cute way of being The Perfect Couple? (Like, the statuses would no longer be written in first person, rather first person plural. Awww.)  Naaaaaah. The cynic in me believe it’s about insecurity. The two simply need to keep tabs on one another. Wahn, wahn, waaaaahn.

2. The couple who have the same default facebook picture. (Assuming I’m friends with both members of the party.)
Why, oh, why can’t you each have a different default photo? I’m not saying you should not have a picture with the two of you together. That is completely fine. The thing that is not completely fine is having the same exact photo. The reason it annoys me? It makes it harder for me to determine who is who without having to look at the name above. Selfish of me? Probably. (I’m singleish after all.)

2.5 The couple (more than likely girlfriend) whose default album is filled with 49 different pictures of the two of them kissing. Whether it’s in a car, at the beach, or in bed. She thought at that very moment their lips touched, a camera needed to be involved. Inevitably, she would post it to the world to see making it photo number 50 in her album. Imagine how heartbreaking it will be once the two break up! She will have to delete them all and take a photo of just… herself. Sniff.

3. The couple who always break up, but then seem to get back together again.
Make up your minds! You know you’re not right for one another, so listen to my solution–stop trying and move on.

4. The couple that you can’t believe they’re still together.
I was fairly certain I gave the two of you sixth months, at the max. But each time I go lurk on visit your facebook page, I feel this pang in my heart that clearly means, “Still? The two of you caused a year of unhappiness for me. Why hasn’t karma come to bite you in the ass yet?” I then quickly remember my life is going exceptionally well without you in it.

5. The couple who stay together because of a baby.
For some reason, people think a baby will make a relationship stronger. At least the type of relationship where the two clearly don’t belong with one another. (See below.) I learned in my college education that if a couple gets married because of a baby, the more likelihood of divorce. Just sayin’

6. The couple who aren’t right for one another.
 No blurb necessary.

7. The couple who are just too damn happy.
Stop it! Right now! A person can spot this couple quite easily. The two of them enjoy writing statuses about one another: bragging how great he is, boasting how beautiful she is. I’m on to the two of them. It makes me suspicious because no two people can be that happy with each other. As someone who is very near and dear to me would say: Where is the grit?! I concur.

8. The high school couple.
They’re the dramatic duo. The couple who believe their romance is a modern-day Romeo and Juliet. Or perhaps Bella and Edward would be more suitable. They are a mix of couple 2, 2.5, 3, 4, 6 and 9. As I used to say, high school and romance don’t belong together. Just like this couple.

9. The overtly PDA couple
Perhaps I’m just a bit of a prude. But when seeing a couple passionately making out at a bar, I can’t help but stare. Come on! We don’t need to see that. There are other acceptable public displays of affection a couple could do: holding hands, playing footsie, or grabbing his or her butt. Stick with any of the three, please.

9.5 The same-side-seater couple
Dammit. I used to be apart of this couple! The couple who insists on sitting next to their partner while dining out. Years ago I read in a women’s magazine that it’s often more romantic to sit next to someone while eating. And I did that. On our fourth date, I asked if I could sit next to him and he obliged. Since that moment, we would sit next to one another for the next year or so while dining out. I was able to squeeze his hand, touch his leg, and easily steal a fry or two. When we would eventually break up, I started working in a restaurant as a hostess and I developed an abhorrence for certain types of people. One of them being couples who would come in on a busy Saturday night when the wait would exceed an hour, and refuse to sit in a booth suited for only two because they needed to sit next to one another. On a more recent date, I asked him would he mind if I sat next to him in which he replied, “No, you don’t like those types of people.” Touché. It was easier to play footsie across from him, anyway.

10. The couple who are waiting until marriage.
I just don’t get it. Being romantically physical with a person is an important part of a relationship. Just like communication, trust, and good looks. Don’t get me wrong–sex DOES complicate things. But how often would one buy a car without testing it out?  Why not test how their significant other runs… in bed? Because of one silly thing: religion. Because the Bible “tells them so.” Doh! I don’t know the statistics of how long marriages last when saving themselves. Maybe it’s higher than most.

Eh, probably not.

Facebook Etiquette 101

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tbt* once featured a story titled “Facebook etiquette: 10 Commandments.” The writer wrote a few in which I agree, and I thought that I shall come up with my own.

After browsing through my recent news feed of facebook friends, here’s what I have come up with.

1. Thou shall post statuses that constitutes as a full sentence and punctuation, including the correct pronoun.

Facebook has users everywhere using third person. (Third person? What’s that?) Perhaps it’s to deter users from being egotistical and constantly talking about themselves.

  • Real example: Lisa Gibson* Theres a boy in town who says hell love me forever :]

I understand what Lisa was trying to say, but punctuation is your friend! It really changes the meaning of the status. Hell will love you forever? And if so, should we really be smiling about that? Assuming hell exists.

However, it should be noted that she did use “who” instead of “that.” Good job, Lisa. Sort of.

2.Thou shall not post 10 or more statuses in one day.

Come on now!  You’re not that important. I have “friends” who post 27 times of what they did, who they did, where they were, when they ate, why they did that… all within an hour. These people are just attention hungry and have an addiction to seeing that red flag pop up in the upper left-hand corner.

Hi, my name is Charlie and I have the facebook red flag addiction (The Reflag on the streets).  Hiiiii, Charlie.

Just try and pick one great status for the day, like me.

3. Thou shall not friend someone you would never be friends with, in real life.

I once had an old boyfriend’s new girlfriend “friend” me. Really? I understand your neediness to see how I am doing–without your new boyfriend. I would never hang out with you in real life.

But for the record, I’m great.

Like with most rules, there are exceptions. I recently decided to accept a friend request from an ex–only because it had been a sufficient amount of time since our departing ways. However, I will never hang out with him despite his relentless need to see me–in real life. But I felt it was more appropriate to keep in touch with him–virtually.

This caused him to delete me. Some things never change.

4. Thou shall not post pictures of you flexing, or of your half-naked model shots on the beach.

Again, you’re just attention hungry. Go feed your ego an apple and call it a day.

5. Thou shall not “like” every page.

I understand that you like “I love eating the salt at the bottom of a bag of pretzels!” but I don’t care–and how often are you really interacting with the people that share your love of pretzel salt? Exactly. And yes, this is really a group page. Search it.

6. Thou shall respond back to a message.

It’s just rude and annoying.

7. Thou shall not leave a friend request awaiting confirmation.

Unless it’s the old boyfriend’s new girlfriend, then you should just deny it. But come on, it’s embarrassing to be in the limbo of “to friend or not to friend?” I’d rather be denied. Oh, and what’s really cool is that facebook likes to make it difficult to cancel your inebriated self’s really great decision of friending that person.

8. Thou shall not send multiple event or page requests.

I do not, I repeat, do not want to attend the dance off, your rap concert, or join the “I love eating the salt at the bottom of a bag of pretzels!” group.

9. Thou shall not post depressing statuses about how you can’t get a boyfriend, disappointed with single life, and man hating.

  • Real example: Terri Schmidt* Why do I always get my hopes up???…I’m just not gonna try anymore, maybe something good will eventually come along…

Whine, whine, whine. ::cue the violin::

10. Thou shall not post or tag friends in embarrassing or incriminating photos.

It’s not cool to have my mom, my former professors, and potential suitors see that one night of me drinking and dancing. Let friends tag themselves.

11. Thou shall not post multiple pictures of just yourself (especially if taken in a car)–that aren’t your default picture.

Again, you’re not that important and really, what’s the point?

[*Names have been changed for obvious reasons.]

Facebook: A love-hate relationship

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via Getty Images

When I first met facebook, it was the year 2007, when a person still needed to actually be a college student to join. The only way grandma could sign up was if she had an e-mail account ending  in .edu.

An e-mail account? What is that?
(I wrote that as I was saying it in my grandma voice, which I only do around my mother. It’s usually high pitched and crackly, and prefaced with “Back in my day…” .)

The year 2007 was when Myspace was still cool.

MySpace?? What is that?

Well, grandma voice, back in my day there used to be this other social networking site called Myspace, where you could add a music to your page (it usually was a soundtrack describing your love life). My song history usually went from happy, sad, happy, bitter, angry, happy, sad, to I’m-better-without-you music.

Myspace also had the option to have top friends. I believe it was 4, 8,12, 16, and if you were really popular, up to 24!

OMG! He put her as his number one? But I’m his girlfriend!

There were message boards (a facebook equivalent to “What’s on your mind?”) where you could see that whiny girl complain about her boyfriend putting up his best girl friend as number one. And no, I was never that whiny girl.

Facebook then was how I treat Twitter now. I’d visit it every now and then when I was particularly bored or had to proclaim something I couldn’t reveal on Myspace. Yet as facebook became more liberal about allowing non-higher educated people in its social circle, Myspace was becoming passé. But it took me until 2009 to permanently delete it.

It’s obsolete now, which finally brings me to facebook, the frenemy.

I love facebook, but I absolutely hate it, too. I’ve never experienced a love-hate relationship with a human being. But there’s always some inanimate object that I adoringly need/want/love but when it fails to do its job, I want to throw it against a wall. I guess that’s how I feel about romantic relationships.

Facebook. It tries to be a friend, but I really know its existence is to make me feel bad about myself. It’s there to make me unproductive when I could be doing something intelligent, like writing in this blog, reading War and Peace, or concocting some new recipe in the kitchen.

No.

It wants me to keep it in a window open all day. And if that’s not enough, I have it on my Blackberry. The phone that’s so smart that it alerts me when someone has commented at my witty status that took me 25 minutes to think of and make sure it was grammatically correct.

Its existence is to make me insecure. It incessantly feeds my hungry ego. nom nom nom.

That little red flag popping up in the upper left corner? The ring tone I specifically set for facebook notifications on my phone? The numbers (x) on my browser tab? My ego has been boosted by 95 points when I see any of those. And sometimes 190 points because that means he thought of me.

Facebook tries to make suggestions for you that it believes would be helpful, but in reality it’s laughing in your face.

Hey, Jamie! You have 72 common friends with insert old boyfriend’s name here. Add him now!

No.

Hey, Jamie! Are you looking for a cute, single boyfriend in your area?

No.

Hey, Jamie! Look at this terrible photo you’ve been tagged in when you were 13 in middle school. It’s great, isn’t it?

No.

You can’t trust facebook like you can with a best friend. Even if you kick facebook out of your social circle, it will still be around with your juicy secrets and middle school photos floating around.

But then again, I can’t help but love facebook because it has reconnected me with certain people, too.