Category Archives: Humor

It’s lunch time.

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In the States, I was somewhat decent* at using chopsticks because, well, I frequently visited sushi restaurants. [*somewhat decent=I could successfully pick up sushi and put into mouth.]

In South Korea, I have the chopsticks skill level of a five year old. Did you know they make training chopsticks for kids? Yeah, me neither. But I guess one doesn’t come out of the womb knowing how to use them. Silly, Jamie.

Although my chopsticks skills have slightly improved over the past month, I am still quite insecure eating in front of the kids. It’s no surprise that I’m even more insecure when eating in front of my Korean co-workers. Am I even holding these correctly?! Is leaving my spoon in the soup frowned upon? Can I use my hands to eat grapes? At least in front of kids, it might be acceptable to pick up certain foods with my hands. (After all, they are just learning too!) Everything seems to be eaten either with a spoon or chopsticks (except pizza, maybe?) When we celebrated one of the student’s birthday, chicken wings were served. I couldn’t wait to eat them until I looked around and realized everyone was using chopsticks. How the hell am I going to manage this?! Eating noodles is difficult enough! But chicken wings?!?!!!!?  I somehow managed to eat five.

On Monday through Friday at 12:05 p.m., I eat lunch with my students. Ages ranging between five and six years old. I sit at their size table in their size chairs.

photo 2

My lunch, which is provided by the school, consists of five different things. The three things which can be found on every lunch tray: rice, soup, and some sort of kimchi. Kimchi is the national dish after all. I suppose it’s the french fries of America. (Granted, I don’t eat french fries with every meal.) Kimchi, by the way, is some fermented type of vegetable.

I enjoy eating. No, like, really enjoy it. Naturally, eating lunch at school is my favorite part of the day because it is one of the very few instances where I get to eat Korean food. Normally dinner at home is the typical pasta and burritos (we don’t have an oven) while the restaurants we dine at are geared toward the waygooks (foreigners) where we get to eat not-so-tasty-overpriced burgers. At lunch time, however, I get to try all different sorts of things. There are many instances where I haven’t the slightest idea what I am eating. Huh. This looks like a tentacle. Om, nom. But isn’t this all part of the adventure? Yes.

A typical Korean school lunch.

A typical Korean school lunch: rice, soup, and kimchi.

After eating lunch, an unusual thing occurs–everyone brushes their teeth. I read many things about Korea before moving here: kimchi, couples having matching outfits, the weather and so on. But not once did I ever read about Koreans fascination with brushing their teeth after every meal.

Jamie Teacher, why you no (motions brushing teeth)?
Errm, uh, I forgot my toothbrush! Silly Jamie Teacher.

I knew I couldn’t have the excuse of forgetting my toothbrush every day. Nor did I not want to get weird looks if I didn’t brush my teeth after lunch. The next day I brought my own toothbrush and toothpaste.

I now brush my teeth after lunch time, just like everyone else.

One Month.

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travel

How sad it is to think that there are places in this world that I will never see. Places I haven’t even heard of. The world is just too big of a place, and I hardly have the time (nor funds) to see it all.What a terrible thought!

However, I am making sure I see as many places as possible.

Which is why I am nearly 7,000 miles away from my home country. I have now been in South Korea for a month teaching English to children. Before this I was traveling around Thailand for two months. And way before that I made my journey across the States from Florida to Oregon. The latter was such a big, but important, step for me because I needed to do it. I have slowly moved further and further away each time. And I think it is only getting easier and easier to not miss what I left behind*.

(*Besides my cats. I miss them dearly.)

One month in Korea and I already know it is going to be quite the adventure:

Being a foreigner, I stand out and get stared at. (But I imagine if I saw an alien walking around Florida I, too, would stare.) Finding a restaurant with an English menu is an adventure. (Unfortunately, I am learning that the more English that is spoken, the worse the food tastes.) Going to the grocery store can be annoying. (Where the hell is the damn syrup?!) Figuring out how the transportation system works is exciting. Not being able to read or speak the native language is frustrating at times, but being able to get out of small talk with strangers is wonderful. (Except for the occasional people who stop you on the street to practice their English.)

These are just a handful of things I have learned in this one month. And just think, I still have eleven more to go.

When will he call you?

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Ladies, we wait and wait for that phone call, don’t we? Of course, we don’t want men to know that, but men, we are.

The Setting: We either just got home from a spectacular first date, or we have just been dumped by our boyfriend of two years. We are waiting for the voice on the other end of the call to either tell us– “Wow! You’re amazing. I would love to see you again.” Or “I miss you. I was an idiot to ever think I could do better than you.”

But what our irrational-love-infused mind cannot comprehend is that a watched pot never boils (and trust me, I make a lot of pasta!) And it’s the reasoning behind why we do wait. It’s why when we type into Google, “When will he…” call is the third guess Google has for us (propose is first, followed by ask me out). It’s why we go to the bookstore to find the self-help books. It’s why we watch all six seasons of Sex and the City after a breakup. But the answer isn’t in the aforementioned places. It’s right here, on my blog.

So, when will he call you?

Never.

Ouch! Harsh? Perhaps. Truthful? For sure. If it has been over a month and no word from that person, start looking elsewhere. But don’t drown in your sea of sorrow, reader. You’re awesome! Unfortunately for him, he couldn’t see that.

When you’re with a new love and/or have moved on to bigger and better.

Exes always seem to come back at the wrong time (for them). It’s usually the right time for you. You know, when you’ve moved across the country, got more attractive, and have dated at least three men since him. Humor him though! It’s a wonderful ego stroke.

When your phone dies or is turned off.

Going off the grid on purpose is a freeing experience. I visited Vancouver, British Columbia about a month ago, and turned my phone off (namely because I was roaming…) And for those two days, I didn’t care about the possibility of someone not being able to reach me. But have you ever had your phone die unexpectedly when you’re not within distance to a charger? Oh, god! What a terrible feeling. When I got back into the States after my short adventure, someone called me and left a voice-mail.

The moral of the story: leave the country for a few days. He’ll call. Sans passport? Turn phone off.

When you change your phone number.

You decide to do a reckless thing after your breakup. You’re in Stage 3 of I have a Broken Heart, now what?: ANGER. You think, “Oh yeah? He doesn’t want me in his life anymore?! FINE! I’m going to go change my number. Now he will never be able to contact me.” And you do go change it. He inevitably will call because that’s how Life works. And remorse starts to set in. But really, why would you want to get back together with someone who pretty much deemed you unlovable?

If anything, you still have facebook to get in contact with one another.

Calm down, it has only been four hours.

You’re too eager. Let him miss you a bit, yeah? Good.

Not on Valentine’s Day.

He won’t even know it is Valentine’s Day. February 14 is just another day in the year. (As it should be…)

He won’t. He’ll text you.

Along with the rest of my generation, I loathe talking on the phone. We prefer text. I break out in sweat at the thought of having to call someone to set up a hair appointment. What do you mean I can’t do this online?!

So when you hear your phone ringing for some odd reason, don’t get your hopes up! It’s just an automated voice trying to sell you an alarm system.

When he wants to.

Yep. If he genuinely is interested in you, reader, he will call you. It’s hard to wrap one’s head around that but he will. Why? Because you’re awesome and he knows it.

Or you could discard all of these answers and call text him yourself.

*Jamie snapped this shot in Portland, OR.

I’m late, per usual.

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There are two things about me that have never changed, nor probably ever will: I’ve always been late, and I’ve always enjoyed a bit of dilly-dallying. It has taken me this long to come to the conclusion that the two are correlated with one another.

I have absolutely no sense of time (or direction). I like to blame this entirely on my mom. When we hear, “Want to meet at 2pm?” We’ll probably be there fifteen minutes later. As other kid’s parents were on time (or even early) greeting their children at the pick-up line at school, I was the last child to be picked up at school. Naturally I’d think the worst–I knew she loved my brother more and has completely forgotten about me! Crying usually ensued.

Along with being late, I enjoy wasting time. It apparently started young in life, too. My mom would always tell me, “We don’t have time for you to dilly-dally. We need to go!” What does dilly-dally mean, I’d ask.

I set my alarm for at least least two hours before work. But the problem is? I’m still late. Reasoning? I love wasting time. The idea of not having to rush is lovely. I slowly savor each of my mornings by drinking two cups of coffee, checking out facebook newsfeed, and laughing at cat pictures. You know, anything that does not involve getting ready for the day. I’ll continuously give myself five more minutes before having to get in the shower. Oh, wait! A few more minutes! I have to finish watching this Cat and Flute video. Ooooh, Cat Bowling under related videos? Click.

Shit! I have to leave for work in 20 minutes and still haven’t made my lunch! The rushing proceeds.

However, work has just implemented a punch-in system on the computer. (Like most jobs.) Before, it was the reliable honor system: write your hours on a printed calendar template from Microsoft Word. When doing it this way, it was okay to sneak in five to eight minutes late. That’s no longer the case. Not since February 1. Now, my directors will see that I am perpetually late. Although we are given a three-minute grace period, I know I will abuse it. I will come so close to hitting that three minute mark I will be speeding my way there, all the while bitching at the laid-back drivers and bicyclists of Portland. If only I left five minutes early I’d say to myself aloud. If only.

Work is also generously giving us three strikes, and after that? We’re out! Well not fired, but supposedly will be written up. (Nice baseball metaphor though, huh?)

It has been ten days since work started the punch-in system, and I have been on time everyday since. (At least with the help of the three-minute grace period.) And you know what I’ve learned? Being on time (or even early) falls under the category The Greatest Feeling in the Whole Entire World. Some other things would include: sleeping in on a Sunday (with a nice-looking man beside you), coming home to a fridge stocked with beer, and leaving the state you began to loathe for the state you fell in love with.

Even though work is forcing me to be on time, I hope the man in my life (a stickler for being on time) doesn’t actually believe I’m going to give up my dilly-dally habit.

*GettyImages.

In Perspective: Unrequited Love

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I once liked a boy, who didn’t like me.
A boy even liked me once, but I didn’t like him.

Unrequited love–My marital status throughout most of middle and high school. (Later on in life, I got a bit more lucky.)

Life is rough when you’re a boyfriendless, fourteen-year-old girl suffering from a crazy little thing called unrequited love. (Oh wait, those aren’t the lyrics.) But come on, everyone would have to agree that unrequited love sucks at any age! It fits oh, so, snugly under the category The Worst Feeling in the Whole Entire World. Some other things would include: waking up five minutes before you have to be at work while rushing out the door (sans shower and coffee), experiencing food poisoning on vacation, and having dreams nightmares where one is pregnant (But, man, what a relief waking up!).

Like most teenage girls, my life was defined by the opposite sex. (We can thank Disney for that one.) Did I have a boyfriend? Did anyone like me? Did I even like anyone? I remembering “liking” multiple boys just to increase my chances of getting a boyfriend. It didn’t work, of course. I also remember “liking” boys just to make my life more interesting because what woman doesn’t love to over-analyze when a man says “fine” and “sure.” Does he, like, really mean that? Something is totally wrong.

While most of my friends were out catching boyfriends, I was sulking in my room wondering, “Why not me?” My online and handwritten journals were filled with the unrequited-love blues. After all, it can be quite detrimental to a person’s ego, especially a shy, insecure girl going through puberty. Imagine that you have finally found the courage (it was hiding behind procrastination and motivation, by the way) to go up to that someone, who you’ve only watched from afar, and proclaim your feelings to only receive absolutely nothing in return.

But then again, should we be surprised by the outcome? We aren’t in the movies. Our crushes wouldn’t just confess that they, too, have been watching us from afar all along. This could be the cause of unrequited love! The cause being we are lusting after people who are simply out of our league. When we are younger, our parents tell us we can be anything we want to be when we grow up. In our simple minds we figured we could have anyone we wanted as well, regardless of how attractive they were. We are setting ourselves up to be unloved in return.

Alas, I must touch on both sides of the spectrum. (As I have been found on both sides before.) Surely we have all had our fair share of people who we weren’t interested in, but who clearly were interested in us.

I had a really good friend during my freshman year of high school. The said friend was a boy and he liked me, a lot. (He actually confessed his love for me.) Although flattered, I had no interest in him. I told him that he was my good friend and that’s all I could ever see him as. Ouch, Jamie! On the other hand, I knew exactly how he felt because at the same time I was pining for the popular tall, dark, and handsome boy in the junior class, who had no idea of my existence. Oh, high school.

Fortunately by the time I entered my senior year of high school, I had finally experienced requited love. (I could finally relate to those damn love songs!) So, what’s the secret? Time. I was no longer that awkward 14-year-old girl going through puberty. I’ve continued to grow as a person since then. I got smarter, hotter, and funnier all the while attracting better quality men each and every time. Soon enough, you’re bound to meet the perfect person for you. So don’t worry, pubescent person reading my blog, you’ll get rid of the unrequited-love bug soon enough. Just give it time.

Or maybe lower your standards?

*Getty Images

The underrated (and overrated) places to meet that someone.

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Let’s face it, life isn’t about making the most money. It’s not about having the most friends, either. It’s about finding one person who will love you enough to put up with your shit (and if you’re lucky, someone who is attractive, funny, and intelligent). But the problem is that it’s a difficult and even daunting task to find someone who is not only attractive, funny, and intelligent but who will also find your flaws endearing.

When we are lazy frustrated with love and relationships we don’t bother going to search for someone. We stay single, and write empowering facebook statuses that include: “I don’t need a man. I can pay my own bills.” (37 likes from other single ladies ensue.)

But when we do find the motivation to go and search for that someone we don’t know where to even begin. Well, readers, don’t fear! This is where I come in.

I’ve come up with some underrated (and overrated) places to meet that someone. People everywhere are looking in all the wrong places. They’re relying too heavily on Yahoo! Answers and self-help books which are just leading them to meet some lame people, who will eventually break up with them.

The underrated places.

  • In traffic.
    • While living in Florida, my daily commute coming home from work was 45 minutes. That is 225 minutes. That is three hours and 45 minutes spent driving. That is the equivalent of watching a movie and two episodes of Dexter. That is the equivalent of getting a haircut and pedicure. (I have long, thick hair. Ahem.) What I am trying to say is that we waste a lot of time in traffic. After all, time is precious. This time spent in a car could essentially be time spent trying to meet that someone. Ah ha! Well, why not put the two together? There have been plenty of times when I was sitting in traffic and singing my heart out to Bob Seger’s Night Moves when I would look to my left to see a quite nice-looking man smirking at me. Horrified, I had no where to run and hide. I couldn’t simply push the accelerator and go, I had to simply stay put. Now if I were confident I would have rolled my window down and asked for his number, but I’m not so he got away. Next time you’re sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic, take a peek at the drivers around you. He or she could just be that someone.
  • On public transit.
    • For the people fortunate enough who don’t have to sit in traffic, public transit is the next best option. Again, we spend a lot of time (and money) commuting to work. The next time you get on to the subway, why not find the one seat directly across from that Keanu Reeves look-alike? You meet some interesting people on public transit. I once received a flower from a man who told me I had beautiful teeth on the MAX in Portland. Granted, he was drinking Rolling Rock from a can at 10:30 in the morning but perhaps if I wasn’t so judgmental (Come on, beer in a can?!?!), he could have been that someone.
  • Through a blog. (Preferably your own.)
    • Online dating is becoming more socially acceptable. Slowly, but surely. I’ve already confessed to my readers that I’ve met men on the internet. It’s simply easier for me. But at the same time, online dating is tricky. The key to meeting that someone isn’t to sign up for Match.com or any of those dating sites. Wait, what? When doing it that way, you’re intentionally putting yourself out there making it really difficult. (It’s the equivalent of hoping you meet someone at a bar. See below.) When you’re writing hilarious, witty posts on your very own blog (ahem), it sometimes attracts people. It even attracts that someone. (Trust me. I know.) Not only will you acquire your biggest blog fan, you will have landed yourself a man. Not a writer? Well, you better become one quickly or have some hope that my other underrated places work out for you.
  • In a bookstore.
    • The reason being (and really the only)? It’s the perfect setting. If my life were a movie, and I was about to meet that someone (played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt, naturally) it better take place in a bookstore. There I’d be: moseying through the aisles, when suddenly I’d see him with his nose buried in a book, he’d look up to see my gaping face, we’d briefly make eye-contact before I’d coyly look away. As you can see, I have some pretty lame fantasies. But, reader, seriously go to a bookstore, there’s bound to be an intellectual,  charming, and attractive person in there for you.
  • Going anywhere in public without showering.
    • It’s true. You’re bound to meet that someone when you’re least expecting it. Enough said.

The overrated places.

  • In a bar or club.
    • This is the most overrated place people believe they could potentially meet that someone. Who even came up with this idea? Has this person even been to a bar? Don’t they know it’s loud? One cannot make any type of conversation in a dark room that has DJ Quivering Machine blasting the latest tracks. Yes, when alcohol is involved confidence usually comes out but the next morning so does regret. Meeting at a bar is so overrated that people are flocking to bars with high hopes of finding Mr. Tall, Dark, and Handsome. Surely if everyone is going to the same place, I can only imagine the difficulty of trying to get his or her attention when everyone is fighting for one thing: that someone. Good luck with that.
  • Through a friend of a friend.. of a friend.
    • ZzzZzzzZ.
  • Work
    • I’m bias toward anyone meeting at the workplace. Mostly because I’m annoyed that my ex-boyfriends dumped me for their now girlfriends or wives through work. Besides, if you do meet someone at work and god forbid the two of you break-up, how awkward. Poor Jennifer Carpenter and Michael C. Hall must know! Their characters play siblings on Dexter, get married in real-life, later divorce, and now *spoiler alert* Deb (Carpenter) is having… feelings for her brother? Cruel writers, I tell you!
  • School
    • High-school sweethearts? Pfffft! How unoriginal of you two. I like to think that they got stuck in a comfortable routine and can’t get out. They figured, “Hey, let’s just stay together.” I get it, though. It’s rough out there! (Why else would I be writing this post?) I mean why bother breaking up if you already met the person who will put up with your shit? The two just met earlier than most of us will meet our someone. (It’s still overrated…)
  • On a dating reality television show.
    • The next time you’re watching The Bachelor and Chris Harrison asks, “Do you know of someone who is looking for true love? Apply or nominate someone now by going to ABC.com” Do not raise your hand, and scream at the television, “I do! I do!” Yes, you will get whisked away in a helicopter every now and then. Yes, you will go on fabulous dates in exotic locations. But no, you won’t find true love. Look I’m not being harsh. I am forewarning anyone contemplating going on a dating show. I’ve see too many women crying at the camera because Ben, a man they’ve known for two weeks, didn’t give them a rose. If only they read this post. If only.

I hope this helps any of my desperate single readers looking for love.

*Getty Images.

In Perspective: Close-talkers

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Have you ever met a close-talker? If you’re wondering a what, it sounds exactly as it reads, my dear reader.

Close-talkers do not solely occupy one region of the world either. In fact, a close-talker can be found anywhere in the world. I’ve come across some in Florida to even a couple in Oregon. Although one may believe close-talkers travel in packs, they are somewhat of an individual, even among their family.

Yet, how can you be sure it’s a close-talker and not someone who is about to give you CPR? Well, this is why it’s imperative that a person knows how to identify a close-talker, especially when at first glance (and from afar) because he or she will appear to look like a normal-distant talker.

How to identify a close-talker.

  • He or she will be completely unaware of your personal space. They don’t realize that people have a boundary. Most of us have an imaginary bubble around ourselves, shielding us from the outer world. The size of our bubble depends on a few things: our weight, height, sex, and cultural background. (It also doubles in size when you’re a couple in love.)
  • Within minutes of speaking to a close-talker, you feel your bubble pop. Uneasiness will most likely ensue. Bubble will rebuild itself in three to five days. Again, it depends on the size.
  • After your bubble has been popped by said close-talker, he or she will continue to talk while inching closer, and closer, and closer to your face.
  • Seinfeld has given a visual example.

How do you act if you encounter a close-talker?

  • Don’t run. Whatever you do, do not run. It will just confuse the close-talker. Or worse–he or she will follow you to continue telling their story.
  • Lean your head, subtly, in the opposite direction of the speaker.
  • Although you’re likely thinking, “Why is his nose touching mine while talking?” Pretend your listening to them by smiling and nodding.
  • If close-talker has just came back from eating a garlic pizza and having a cigarette break, sometimes a step (or two) back is needed. Fortunately for you it’s likely they won’t even notice. They’re too engaged with what they’re saying.

So, why do they do this?

  • No one knows (not even scientists!), but some like to speculate it’s because they lack a bubble.

*Getty Images

The 10ish types of couples I hate*.

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I’m a singleish woman in my early twenties. Inevitably, couples sort of annoy me. And not because I’m bitter either. But because when people are in love they do irksome things, which can be oblivious to the twosome, but something singletons are completely aware of. Don’t get me wrong–I get it as it’s truly a wonderful feeling.

Nonetheless, in no particular order I present to you–the different types of couples in which I hate*. I simply had to visit facebook for 17 minutes to come up with the following tenish. (However, it took threeish weeks to write.) So, yes, you and your significant other may or may not have been a bit of inspiration to my post.

[*Writer's note: Hate may be a bit strong of a word.]

1. The couple who share a facebook page.
Firstly, why? I understand that you are together, but we must remember Relationship Rule #3: Do not lose your identity. How do I mean? Well, you are your own individual person. I am sure there has been a point in everyone’s (or just mine) relationship where someone loses their identity. If you share a facebook account with your partner, you are no longer you. You do remember who that is, right? YOU! That extremely awesome person you were before he or she came around. You had hobbies (not his). You had friends (not his). And you even had aspirations (not putting yours aside for him.. ahem). Perhaps it’s about convenience? Naaaaaah. Perhaps they think it’s a cute way of being The Perfect Couple? (Like, the statuses would no longer be written in first person, rather first person plural. Awww.)  Naaaaaah. The cynic in me believe it’s about insecurity. The two simply need to keep tabs on one another. Wahn, wahn, waaaaahn.

2. The couple who have the same default facebook picture. (Assuming I’m friends with both members of the party.)
Why, oh, why can’t you each have a different default photo? I’m not saying you should not have a picture with the two of you together. That is completely fine. The thing that is not completely fine is having the same exact photo. The reason it annoys me? It makes it harder for me to determine who is who without having to look at the name above. Selfish of me? Probably. (I’m singleish after all.)

2.5 The couple (more than likely girlfriend) whose default album is filled with 49 different pictures of the two of them kissing. Whether it’s in a car, at the beach, or in bed. She thought at that very moment their lips touched, a camera needed to be involved. Inevitably, she would post it to the world to see making it photo number 50 in her album. Imagine how heartbreaking it will be once the two break up! She will have to delete them all and take a photo of just… herself. Sniff.

3. The couple who always break up, but then seem to get back together again.
Make up your minds! You know you’re not right for one another, so listen to my solution–stop trying and move on.

4. The couple that you can’t believe they’re still together.
I was fairly certain I gave the two of you sixth months, at the max. But each time I go lurk on visit your facebook page, I feel this pang in my heart that clearly means, “Still? The two of you caused a year of unhappiness for me. Why hasn’t karma come to bite you in the ass yet?” I then quickly remember my life is going exceptionally well without you in it.

5. The couple who stay together because of a baby.
For some reason, people think a baby will make a relationship stronger. At least the type of relationship where the two clearly don’t belong with one another. (See below.) I learned in my college education that if a couple gets married because of a baby, the more likelihood of divorce. Just sayin’

6. The couple who aren’t right for one another.
 No blurb necessary.

7. The couple who are just too damn happy.
Stop it! Right now! A person can spot this couple quite easily. The two of them enjoy writing statuses about one another: bragging how great he is, boasting how beautiful she is. I’m on to the two of them. It makes me suspicious because no two people can be that happy with each other. As someone who is very near and dear to me would say: Where is the grit?! I concur.

8. The high school couple.
They’re the dramatic duo. The couple who believe their romance is a modern-day Romeo and Juliet. Or perhaps Bella and Edward would be more suitable. They are a mix of couple 2, 2.5, 3, 4, 6 and 9. As I used to say, high school and romance don’t belong together. Just like this couple.

9. The overtly PDA couple
Perhaps I’m just a bit of a prude. But when seeing a couple passionately making out at a bar, I can’t help but stare. Come on! We don’t need to see that. There are other acceptable public displays of affection a couple could do: holding hands, playing footsie, or grabbing his or her butt. Stick with any of the three, please.

9.5 The same-side-seater couple
Dammit. I used to be apart of this couple! The couple who insists on sitting next to their partner while dining out. Years ago I read in a women’s magazine that it’s often more romantic to sit next to someone while eating. And I did that. On our fourth date, I asked if I could sit next to him and he obliged. Since that moment, we would sit next to one another for the next year or so while dining out. I was able to squeeze his hand, touch his leg, and easily steal a fry or two. When we would eventually break up, I started working in a restaurant as a hostess and I developed an abhorrence for certain types of people. One of them being couples who would come in on a busy Saturday night when the wait would exceed an hour, and refuse to sit in a booth suited for only two because they needed to sit next to one another. On a more recent date, I asked him would he mind if I sat next to him in which he replied, “No, you don’t like those types of people.” Touché. It was easier to play footsie across from him, anyway.

10. The couple who are waiting until marriage.
I just don’t get it. Being romantically physical with a person is an important part of a relationship. Just like communication, trust, and good looks. Don’t get me wrong–sex DOES complicate things. But how often would one buy a car without testing it out?  Why not test how their significant other runs… in bed? Because of one silly thing: religion. Because the Bible “tells them so.” Doh! I don’t know the statistics of how long marriages last when saving themselves. Maybe it’s higher than most.

Eh, probably not.

True Life: I can’t say no.

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“Jamie, would you like anything from Voodoo Doughnuts?” Yes.

“Jamie, would you like to get some drinks after work?” Of course.

“Jamie, I’m interested in you. What’s your number?” asks the man, who I’m not interested in.  Err.. umm, it’s 727-555-5888.

It’s true. I cannot say no to people. And I want to change that. I mean, need to change that.

I’ve always been the nice one. I’ve also been the type to avoid confrontation as much as possible. Perhaps even the two are correlated. I really believe it’s just easier to say yes. That way, I don’t have to see the other person disappointed if I were to say no.

Not only do I face situations in my personal life that I can’t say no to: doughnuts, beer, and men. But many times have occurred at work.

When people know you’re nice, they use this as an advantage for themselves. By being the person who doesn’t say no at work means that co-workers come to me when they need my help, especially when it involves covering his or her shift. Don’t get me wrong, I love helping people. I believe in good karma as much as the next person. I, however, don’t believe in using people as a doormat.

I think I’ve already set the bar at work. They know I’m the go-to person. (This, too, can work as an advantage for me.) It’s almost like having a boyfriend (or girlfriend) who continuously cheats on you and you perpetually forgive them. If you let him or her get away with it once, they will continue because you set the bar. You let them know it was okay. (If you didn’t know, that is never okay.)

I recently had a situation happen at work. I was the last person she asked while everyone before me said no to her. It put me in a predicament where I felt obligated to say yes. This was the first time I was becoming frustrated with my current job. I felt the tears coming.

I had just come out of yoga class feeling great (and sweaty). I couldn’t wait to get home, shower, and do all those single-girl habits I have. I especially liked the idea of staying up late. After all, I was going to sleep in the next day. That’s when I received not only a text, but a missed call along with a voice mail.

Didn’t she know it was my morning off? Didn’t she know it was my morning to sleep in? Didn’t she know it was my morning to drink four cups of coffee in bed while watching The Wonder Years? Didn’t she know it was my morning to put my mind off of work, and be a vegetable in my bed? Mine, mine, mine.

I didn’t want to take her shift. But how do I say no to a person, nicely? I was trying to think of excuses. I only came up with one.

Oh, I can’t because I have an appointment. (I didn’t. Although I could have used a Groupon for a pedicure where appointments are preferred…)

How do I tell someone who has a fever that although I can take her shift, but I just don’t want to? I couldn’t say I can’t. Technically, I was physically available but mentally unavailable. Was that selfish of me? Possibly. But I always say yes, dammit! I contemplated for an hour on how I could tell her– I’m sorry, but I need to do laundry and sleep in. There isn’t a nice way to put it. So I eventually just told her that it was fine.

It happens when dealing with the opposite sex, too. He took advantage of this, and walked all over me. A stranger asks for my number, and I can’t say no. I regrettably give it to him and when he texts me telling me we should hang out, I ignore it and feel bad about it days later.

Where did I develop this can’t-say-no-thing? My mom? It has to be, right? Possibly society has instilled it in me? Little girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. Or maybe I can blame it on the positions of the Sun, Moon, and planets? (I’m a Virgo if you care.) Or perhaps it’s just inevitable when someone is too nice?

2012 is 23 days away. The time is nearing when I make resolutions that never seem to last. I’m adding something to the list anyway–I need to learn how to say no to people. I need to learn that it’s okay to be selfish sometimes. Otherwise, when will I get what I want? I need to learn that I can’t please everyone. And sometimes I have to disappoint people, and turn them down.

Two days ago a co-worker asked if I could cover a class. I didn’t stress about it. I didn’t take hours to respond. I decided to be selfish and tell him the truth: No, I can’t. Incredulously, he asked why not?! I told him I had yoga to attend.

I guess it’s easier to say no when you really do have plans (or a boyfriend).

Oh, the horror. (Part two.)

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  …Five months later.

I once wrote about being a character in a horror film. And like all horror films, it ends with an update. Whether it’s weeks, months, or years later, viewers have to know what the hell has happened to the heroine.

In the past five months, I’ve found a place to live, a job to support my love of discovering new beer, and met a handful of familiar faces. In other words–the audience who are watching my life as a horror film would be relieved to find out that things are going well for me. I’m no longer dodging tornadoes or sleeping in shady motels that have telephones randomly ringing in the middle of the night. I am living life. Naturally, the movie would cut from a dark and ominous scene where I am fighting off serial killers, langoliers, and trees possessed by demons to a suddenly bright scene with happy music playing subtly in the background.

But I, the character, would have absolutely no idea that there is always a last scare at the end of the movie.

The Pacific Northwest. It’s quite the perfect setting for a horror film, especially ones that include vampires and serial killers. It is grey and gloomy. It is wet and cold. This part of the country is a gigantic forest that lacks sunshine causing depressed people to go on rampant killings. While also allowing vampires to live openly among humans.

The audience watches Jamie as she packs things into boxes in her room. Audience may (or may not) question why she is doing it. Is she moving back to Florida already, they wonder?

Earlier this month I had to move out of my apartment building. And not because I was going back to Florida (ha!), but because I was signed on a three-month sublease. I had the decision to either find another apartment on my own or find a roommate(s) from craigslist. I weighed the options. Pros: walking around the house in my underwear, letting the dishes build up in the sink without having anyone judge me, and decorating with solely Ikea. Cons: expensive (I’m poor), lonely (I need to meet people), and expensive. I decided I wanted to live in the classic Portland house. You know, the type where your own a doughnut shop downstairs, and live upstairs a craftsman house.

And I found it. I found the house that is slowly becoming my home. I didn’t find just one roommate, but three. Three straight men in fact. This time last year, there would be no way I could believe I’d be living with three strangers I met on craigslist. (That could be a horror story all by itself.) However, moving to an unfamiliar city causes you to do things you normally wouldn’t do.

It’s exactly what I wanted, too. It has the doughnut shop downstairs and all. It is a creaky 80-year-old house with wood floors, an amazing fireplace, along with a basement. A native Floridian isn’t quite used to it.

My mother recently made a trip out here to meet my new love interest, Portland. We explored the town together, mostly by eating and drinking our way through, but also by going on a haunted tour where we learned about the places that go bump in the night. Compared to Tampa, it’s a rather old city with a fascinating past and history, inevitably ghost stories are going to exist.

During a night of roommate bonding (hanging out in the basement), someone mentioned if I heard about the story of the house. Takes a sip of my beer and cautiously says no. Everyone looks around at each other, and doesn’t say a word. I prod for more details. I ask them what’s the story?

“Now, we don’t know if it’s true or not. We have a friend who grew up in the area who told us. When we were having our housewarming party, this friend of ours would refuse to come in once she found out where we lived.”

“Yeah. Uh, huh…”

“She told us that a boy killed himself from a self-inflicted gunshot wound in this house. But, like we said, we don’t know if is true or not. None of the neighbors can confirm.”

“Do you know what room?”

“Not yours.”

This is the part in the movie when the silly family stays in the haunted house despite learning that it was a former mortuary. I understand why now–because moving is a pain in the ass. (And because the movie would end.)

I like to think that ghosts do exist, but preferably not in the house I’ve just moved into. My roommates have been here for two years already, and have not experienced any creepy moments. But now when I hear a creaky floor board in the middle of the night, I can’t assume it’s just one of my roommates. And if the dining room chandelier likes to flicker, I can’t assume the bulb is going out. Or if I suddenly feel a cold draft, I can’t assume a window is open.

There’s now a possibility that I actually have four roommates, one of which I can’t always see and has been here longer than two years.