Category Archives: Dating

When will he call you?

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Ladies, we wait and wait for that phone call, don’t we? Of course, we don’t want men to know that, but men, we are.

The Setting: We either just got home from a spectacular first date, or we have just been dumped by our boyfriend of two years. We are waiting for the voice on the other end of the call to either tell us– “Wow! You’re amazing. I would love to see you again.” Or “I miss you. I was an idiot to ever think I could do better than you.”

But what our irrational-love-infused mind cannot comprehend is that a watched pot never boils (and trust me, I make a lot of pasta!) And it’s the reasoning behind why we do wait. It’s why when we type into Google, “When will he…” call is the third guess Google has for us (propose is first, followed by ask me out). It’s why we go to the bookstore to find the self-help books. It’s why we watch all six seasons of Sex and the City after a breakup. But the answer isn’t in the aforementioned places. It’s right here, on my blog.

So, when will he call you?

Never.

Ouch! Harsh? Perhaps. Truthful? For sure. If it has been over a month and no word from that person, start looking elsewhere. But don’t drown in your sea of sorrow, reader. You’re awesome! Unfortunately for him, he couldn’t see that.

When you’re with a new love and/or have moved on to bigger and better.

Exes always seem to come back at the wrong time (for them). It’s usually the right time for you. You know, when you’ve moved across the country, got more attractive, and have dated at least three men since him. Humor him though! It’s a wonderful ego stroke.

When your phone dies or is turned off.

Going off the grid on purpose is a freeing experience. I visited Vancouver, British Columbia about a month ago, and turned my phone off (namely because I was roaming…) And for those two days, I didn’t care about the possibility of someone not being able to reach me. But have you ever had your phone die unexpectedly when you’re not within distance to a charger? Oh, god! What a terrible feeling. When I got back into the States after my short adventure, someone called me and left a voice-mail.

The moral of the story: leave the country for a few days. He’ll call. Sans passport? Turn phone off.

When you change your phone number.

You decide to do a reckless thing after your breakup. You’re in Stage 3 of I have a Broken Heart, now what?: ANGER. You think, “Oh yeah? He doesn’t want me in his life anymore?! FINE! I’m going to go change my number. Now he will never be able to contact me.” And you do go change it. He inevitably will call because that’s how Life works. And remorse starts to set in. But really, why would you want to get back together with someone who pretty much deemed you unlovable?

If anything, you still have facebook to get in contact with one another.

Calm down, it has only been four hours.

You’re too eager. Let him miss you a bit, yeah? Good.

Not on Valentine’s Day.

He won’t even know it is Valentine’s Day. February 14 is just another day in the year. (As it should be…)

He won’t. He’ll text you.

Along with the rest of my generation, I loathe talking on the phone. We prefer text. I break out in sweat at the thought of having to call someone to set up a hair appointment. What do you mean I can’t do this online?!

So when you hear your phone ringing for some odd reason, don’t get your hopes up! It’s just an automated voice trying to sell you an alarm system.

When he wants to.

Yep. If he genuinely is interested in you, reader, he will call you. It’s hard to wrap one’s head around that but he will. Why? Because you’re awesome and he knows it.

Or you could discard all of these answers and call text him yourself.

*Jamie snapped this shot in Portland, OR.

In Perspective: Unrequited Love

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I once liked a boy, who didn’t like me.
A boy even liked me once, but I didn’t like him.

Unrequited love–My marital status throughout most of middle and high school. (Later on in life, I got a bit more lucky.)

Life is rough when you’re a boyfriendless, fourteen-year-old girl suffering from a crazy little thing called unrequited love. (Oh wait, those aren’t the lyrics.) But come on, everyone would have to agree that unrequited love sucks at any age! It fits oh, so, snugly under the category The Worst Feeling in the Whole Entire World. Some other things would include: waking up five minutes before you have to be at work while rushing out the door (sans shower and coffee), experiencing food poisoning on vacation, and having dreams nightmares where one is pregnant (But, man, what a relief waking up!).

Like most teenage girls, my life was defined by the opposite sex. (We can thank Disney for that one.) Did I have a boyfriend? Did anyone like me? Did I even like anyone? I remembering “liking” multiple boys just to increase my chances of getting a boyfriend. It didn’t work, of course. I also remember “liking” boys just to make my life more interesting because what woman doesn’t love to over-analyze when a man says “fine” and “sure.” Does he, like, really mean that? Something is totally wrong.

While most of my friends were out catching boyfriends, I was sulking in my room wondering, “Why not me?” My online and handwritten journals were filled with the unrequited-love blues. After all, it can be quite detrimental to a person’s ego, especially a shy, insecure girl going through puberty. Imagine that you have finally found the courage (it was hiding behind procrastination and motivation, by the way) to go up to that someone, who you’ve only watched from afar, and proclaim your feelings to only receive absolutely nothing in return.

But then again, should we be surprised by the outcome? We aren’t in the movies. Our crushes wouldn’t just confess that they, too, have been watching us from afar all along. This could be the cause of unrequited love! The cause being we are lusting after people who are simply out of our league. When we are younger, our parents tell us we can be anything we want to be when we grow up. In our simple minds we figured we could have anyone we wanted as well, regardless of how attractive they were. We are setting ourselves up to be unloved in return.

Alas, I must touch on both sides of the spectrum. (As I have been found on both sides before.) Surely we have all had our fair share of people who we weren’t interested in, but who clearly were interested in us.

I had a really good friend during my freshman year of high school. The said friend was a boy and he liked me, a lot. (He actually confessed his love for me.) Although flattered, I had no interest in him. I told him that he was my good friend and that’s all I could ever see him as. Ouch, Jamie! On the other hand, I knew exactly how he felt because at the same time I was pining for the popular tall, dark, and handsome boy in the junior class, who had no idea of my existence. Oh, high school.

Fortunately by the time I entered my senior year of high school, I had finally experienced requited love. (I could finally relate to those damn love songs!) So, what’s the secret? Time. I was no longer that awkward 14-year-old girl going through puberty. I’ve continued to grow as a person since then. I got smarter, hotter, and funnier all the while attracting better quality men each and every time. Soon enough, you’re bound to meet the perfect person for you. So don’t worry, pubescent person reading my blog, you’ll get rid of the unrequited-love bug soon enough. Just give it time.

Or maybe lower your standards?

*Getty Images

The underrated (and overrated) places to meet that someone.

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Let’s face it, life isn’t about making the most money. It’s not about having the most friends, either. It’s about finding one person who will love you enough to put up with your shit (and if you’re lucky, someone who is attractive, funny, and intelligent). But the problem is that it’s a difficult and even daunting task to find someone who is not only attractive, funny, and intelligent but who will also find your flaws endearing.

When we are lazy frustrated with love and relationships we don’t bother going to search for someone. We stay single, and write empowering facebook statuses that include: “I don’t need a man. I can pay my own bills.” (37 likes from other single ladies ensue.)

But when we do find the motivation to go and search for that someone we don’t know where to even begin. Well, readers, don’t fear! This is where I come in.

I’ve come up with some underrated (and overrated) places to meet that someone. People everywhere are looking in all the wrong places. They’re relying too heavily on Yahoo! Answers and self-help books which are just leading them to meet some lame people, who will eventually break up with them.

The underrated places.

  • In traffic.
    • While living in Florida, my daily commute coming home from work was 45 minutes. That is 225 minutes. That is three hours and 45 minutes spent driving. That is the equivalent of watching a movie and two episodes of Dexter. That is the equivalent of getting a haircut and pedicure. (I have long, thick hair. Ahem.) What I am trying to say is that we waste a lot of time in traffic. After all, time is precious. This time spent in a car could essentially be time spent trying to meet that someone. Ah ha! Well, why not put the two together? There have been plenty of times when I was sitting in traffic and singing my heart out to Bob Seger’s Night Moves when I would look to my left to see a quite nice-looking man smirking at me. Horrified, I had no where to run and hide. I couldn’t simply push the accelerator and go, I had to simply stay put. Now if I were confident I would have rolled my window down and asked for his number, but I’m not so he got away. Next time you’re sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic, take a peek at the drivers around you. He or she could just be that someone.
  • On public transit.
    • For the people fortunate enough who don’t have to sit in traffic, public transit is the next best option. Again, we spend a lot of time (and money) commuting to work. The next time you get on to the subway, why not find the one seat directly across from that Keanu Reeves look-alike? You meet some interesting people on public transit. I once received a flower from a man who told me I had beautiful teeth on the MAX in Portland. Granted, he was drinking Rolling Rock from a can at 10:30 in the morning but perhaps if I wasn’t so judgmental (Come on, beer in a can?!?!), he could have been that someone.
  • Through a blog. (Preferably your own.)
    • Online dating is becoming more socially acceptable. Slowly, but surely. I’ve already confessed to my readers that I’ve met men on the internet. It’s simply easier for me. But at the same time, online dating is tricky. The key to meeting that someone isn’t to sign up for Match.com or any of those dating sites. Wait, what? When doing it that way, you’re intentionally putting yourself out there making it really difficult. (It’s the equivalent of hoping you meet someone at a bar. See below.) When you’re writing hilarious, witty posts on your very own blog (ahem), it sometimes attracts people. It even attracts that someone. (Trust me. I know.) Not only will you acquire your biggest blog fan, you will have landed yourself a man. Not a writer? Well, you better become one quickly or have some hope that my other underrated places work out for you.
  • In a bookstore.
    • The reason being (and really the only)? It’s the perfect setting. If my life were a movie, and I was about to meet that someone (played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt, naturally) it better take place in a bookstore. There I’d be: moseying through the aisles, when suddenly I’d see him with his nose buried in a book, he’d look up to see my gaping face, we’d briefly make eye-contact before I’d coyly look away. As you can see, I have some pretty lame fantasies. But, reader, seriously go to a bookstore, there’s bound to be an intellectual,  charming, and attractive person in there for you.
  • Going anywhere in public without showering.
    • It’s true. You’re bound to meet that someone when you’re least expecting it. Enough said.

The overrated places.

  • In a bar or club.
    • This is the most overrated place people believe they could potentially meet that someone. Who even came up with this idea? Has this person even been to a bar? Don’t they know it’s loud? One cannot make any type of conversation in a dark room that has DJ Quivering Machine blasting the latest tracks. Yes, when alcohol is involved confidence usually comes out but the next morning so does regret. Meeting at a bar is so overrated that people are flocking to bars with high hopes of finding Mr. Tall, Dark, and Handsome. Surely if everyone is going to the same place, I can only imagine the difficulty of trying to get his or her attention when everyone is fighting for one thing: that someone. Good luck with that.
  • Through a friend of a friend.. of a friend.
    • ZzzZzzzZ.
  • Work
    • I’m bias toward anyone meeting at the workplace. Mostly because I’m annoyed that my ex-boyfriends dumped me for their now girlfriends or wives through work. Besides, if you do meet someone at work and god forbid the two of you break-up, how awkward. Poor Jennifer Carpenter and Michael C. Hall must know! Their characters play siblings on Dexter, get married in real-life, later divorce, and now *spoiler alert* Deb (Carpenter) is having… feelings for her brother? Cruel writers, I tell you!
  • School
    • High-school sweethearts? Pfffft! How unoriginal of you two. I like to think that they got stuck in a comfortable routine and can’t get out. They figured, “Hey, let’s just stay together.” I get it, though. It’s rough out there! (Why else would I be writing this post?) I mean why bother breaking up if you already met the person who will put up with your shit? The two just met earlier than most of us will meet our someone. (It’s still overrated…)
  • On a dating reality television show.
    • The next time you’re watching The Bachelor and Chris Harrison asks, “Do you know of someone who is looking for true love? Apply or nominate someone now by going to ABC.com” Do not raise your hand, and scream at the television, “I do! I do!” Yes, you will get whisked away in a helicopter every now and then. Yes, you will go on fabulous dates in exotic locations. But no, you won’t find true love. Look I’m not being harsh. I am forewarning anyone contemplating going on a dating show. I’ve see too many women crying at the camera because Ben, a man they’ve known for two weeks, didn’t give them a rose. If only they read this post. If only.

I hope this helps any of my desperate single readers looking for love.

*Getty Images.

The 10ish types of couples I hate*.

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I’m a singleish woman in my early twenties. Inevitably, couples sort of annoy me. And not because I’m bitter either. But because when people are in love they do irksome things, which can be oblivious to the twosome, but something singletons are completely aware of. Don’t get me wrong–I get it as it’s truly a wonderful feeling.

Nonetheless, in no particular order I present to you–the different types of couples in which I hate*. I simply had to visit facebook for 17 minutes to come up with the following tenish. (However, it took threeish weeks to write.) So, yes, you and your significant other may or may not have been a bit of inspiration to my post.

[*Writer's note: Hate may be a bit strong of a word.]

1. The couple who share a facebook page.
Firstly, why? I understand that you are together, but we must remember Relationship Rule #3: Do not lose your identity. How do I mean? Well, you are your own individual person. I am sure there has been a point in everyone’s (or just mine) relationship where someone loses their identity. If you share a facebook account with your partner, you are no longer you. You do remember who that is, right? YOU! That extremely awesome person you were before he or she came around. You had hobbies (not his). You had friends (not his). And you even had aspirations (not putting yours aside for him.. ahem). Perhaps it’s about convenience? Naaaaaah. Perhaps they think it’s a cute way of being The Perfect Couple? (Like, the statuses would no longer be written in first person, rather first person plural. Awww.)  Naaaaaah. The cynic in me believe it’s about insecurity. The two simply need to keep tabs on one another. Wahn, wahn, waaaaahn.

2. The couple who have the same default facebook picture. (Assuming I’m friends with both members of the party.)
Why, oh, why can’t you each have a different default photo? I’m not saying you should not have a picture with the two of you together. That is completely fine. The thing that is not completely fine is having the same exact photo. The reason it annoys me? It makes it harder for me to determine who is who without having to look at the name above. Selfish of me? Probably. (I’m singleish after all.)

2.5 The couple (more than likely girlfriend) whose default album is filled with 49 different pictures of the two of them kissing. Whether it’s in a car, at the beach, or in bed. She thought at that very moment their lips touched, a camera needed to be involved. Inevitably, she would post it to the world to see making it photo number 50 in her album. Imagine how heartbreaking it will be once the two break up! She will have to delete them all and take a photo of just… herself. Sniff.

3. The couple who always break up, but then seem to get back together again.
Make up your minds! You know you’re not right for one another, so listen to my solution–stop trying and move on.

4. The couple that you can’t believe they’re still together.
I was fairly certain I gave the two of you sixth months, at the max. But each time I go lurk on visit your facebook page, I feel this pang in my heart that clearly means, “Still? The two of you caused a year of unhappiness for me. Why hasn’t karma come to bite you in the ass yet?” I then quickly remember my life is going exceptionally well without you in it.

5. The couple who stay together because of a baby.
For some reason, people think a baby will make a relationship stronger. At least the type of relationship where the two clearly don’t belong with one another. (See below.) I learned in my college education that if a couple gets married because of a baby, the more likelihood of divorce. Just sayin’

6. The couple who aren’t right for one another.
 No blurb necessary.

7. The couple who are just too damn happy.
Stop it! Right now! A person can spot this couple quite easily. The two of them enjoy writing statuses about one another: bragging how great he is, boasting how beautiful she is. I’m on to the two of them. It makes me suspicious because no two people can be that happy with each other. As someone who is very near and dear to me would say: Where is the grit?! I concur.

8. The high school couple.
They’re the dramatic duo. The couple who believe their romance is a modern-day Romeo and Juliet. Or perhaps Bella and Edward would be more suitable. They are a mix of couple 2, 2.5, 3, 4, 6 and 9. As I used to say, high school and romance don’t belong together. Just like this couple.

9. The overtly PDA couple
Perhaps I’m just a bit of a prude. But when seeing a couple passionately making out at a bar, I can’t help but stare. Come on! We don’t need to see that. There are other acceptable public displays of affection a couple could do: holding hands, playing footsie, or grabbing his or her butt. Stick with any of the three, please.

9.5 The same-side-seater couple
Dammit. I used to be apart of this couple! The couple who insists on sitting next to their partner while dining out. Years ago I read in a women’s magazine that it’s often more romantic to sit next to someone while eating. And I did that. On our fourth date, I asked if I could sit next to him and he obliged. Since that moment, we would sit next to one another for the next year or so while dining out. I was able to squeeze his hand, touch his leg, and easily steal a fry or two. When we would eventually break up, I started working in a restaurant as a hostess and I developed an abhorrence for certain types of people. One of them being couples who would come in on a busy Saturday night when the wait would exceed an hour, and refuse to sit in a booth suited for only two because they needed to sit next to one another. On a more recent date, I asked him would he mind if I sat next to him in which he replied, “No, you don’t like those types of people.” Touché. It was easier to play footsie across from him, anyway.

10. The couple who are waiting until marriage.
I just don’t get it. Being romantically physical with a person is an important part of a relationship. Just like communication, trust, and good looks. Don’t get me wrong–sex DOES complicate things. But how often would one buy a car without testing it out?  Why not test how their significant other runs… in bed? Because of one silly thing: religion. Because the Bible “tells them so.” Doh! I don’t know the statistics of how long marriages last when saving themselves. Maybe it’s higher than most.

Eh, probably not.

The Mistakes Lessons Learned

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I once made a mistake at the age of 18. (Haven’t we all?) Some will say it’s never a mistake, rather a lesson learned.

Okay, fine. FINE!

I once “learned a lesson” about relationships at the age of 18. A lesson that will forever stick with me, I hope.

Once upon a time, I was in love with a boy. A boy who I thought was probably the greatest person in the world. He was the smartest, funniest, and most attractive boy who had ever liked me in the 18 years of my existence. He would eventually become my boyfriend. (I hope you weren’t expecting an unrequited love story, reader.)

We were also living 300 miles away from one another when we decided we wanted to be together. And as they say–absence makes the heart grow fonder. Oddly enough, the relationship would be its strongest because we were miles away from one another. Our hearts would grow fonder, and this boy would eventually move back to the city where we met months earlier. Unfortunately this would also be the downfall of the relationship.

At 18, he was the person I could see being with for years and years down the road. Despite him not having many of my deal sealers for Mr. Almost Right. (Relationship lesson #3: Good looks can only get one so far.) It only made sense to do the thing I’ve now come to regret learn about relationships. We were hardly ready to get married, thus we did what seemed to be the appropriate next thing to do before tying the knot: cohabitate.

Why would I ever think living with this boy was the right thing to do? I guess because I was always over at his apartment and vice versa. It didn’t make sense for him to have his own place and mine. I guess because I felt I was mature enough to move out of my parent’s house, and take on bills. I guess because I was in love with this boy, and it felt like the next step would be exactly this.

Wrong.

I learned that there really is a difference between living and staying over (almost) every night at someone’s house. You have to make choices together, like deciding what couch would look good sitting in the living room. And there’s cleaning responsibilities. Ha! And then there’s also paying bills together.

I’ve learned one thing about cohabitating, and that it is the deciding factor between two people to see if they’re compatible or not. And we weren’t. (This is a story of two incompatible people, and how they discovered that.)

My boyfriend would eventually become the roommate who I never saw. I became unhappy because I had these expectations about our living situation. (Silly me!) For instance, I expected him to come home each night because that was where we both lived. Naturally, he didn’t agree. I would become too involved with his life, and completely forget about mine. (What were my hobbies again?) I learned that our 800 square feet living situation was claustrophobic for both of us.

As our year lease was nearing, we would come to the agreement that although we wanted to be together, we needed to live in separate places. After all, we had never been properly together with our own places, while living in the same city. As the weeks went on, I kept thinking to myself that if he can’t live with me now, how will he ever?

We would eventually break up, and I would still write about it three years later.

I’ve always blamed our breakup on the fact that we moved in together. And her. Why could I never accept the fact that maybe we just weren’t ever that compatible in the first place? When I lurk on his facebook page, I can’t help but wonder where I would be if we were still together. Miserable? Happy? Apathetic? Longing for something else? Fortunately, moving in with him early on saved me years of wondering, and I learned we were not compatible, and never would be.

I know that the next time I get serious with someone, and that inevitable step will come, I know I’ll be terrified. I won’t know when the “right time” will be to live with someone. Is there a minimum number of years before that should happen? Five years? When you get engaged? Perhaps there’s not. Perhaps two people just take the plunge into the fear of the unknown and hope it all works out for the best.

Sisters before Misters? Hardly.

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I hate a lot of things.

I hate that moment when you wake up on a Monday morning, and suddenly realize you were supposed to be at work thirty minutes ago, and now you’re rushing out the door without a shower and coffee. I hate what some people decide to share on facebook. (I don’t really care to see you giving birth.) I hate when others don’t appreciate proper punctuation. I hate that I cannot seem to get rid of this writer’s funk that I’ve caught…for the past eight months.

But, reader, do you know what really has me up in arms? When friends begin romantic relationships. (And yes, I do realize my last post was about my lack of friends, but I do have a few back in Florida!) It’s not because I’m bitter or jealous or hateful that they have a special someone. (I’m, like, so content with my two cats.) It’s irksome because I know what happens next.

I get dumped.

Our friendship is suddenly placed on the back burner. After all, he is the one with the good looks, charming ways, and infectious personality. Why would he not be placed upon a pedestal? I can only give so much to our friendship, so it only makes sense.

But I am not ranting solely about my friends’ behavior. I’m clearly guilty myself of falling off the face of the earth when in a relationship. I decided to stay in Tampa to go to college because of a boyfriend. I missed out on a lot of high school events (not that I truly care now) because of that same boyfriend. I lost contact with quite a few friends because of another boyfriend and when he dumped me, I was alone. And now, I have this fear going into my next relationship that I will be that friend again. I don’t know if it’s possible, but I want to still have my life and him have his. I don’t want to be the annoying couple and have my facebook profile picture album filled with just pictures of him and me. (You all know that couple.)

Yet why does this perpetually happen?

Women seem to be guilty of this act more. Of course I do know of a few men, too. But for some reason we build our world around him. Our Friday night plans will be arranged after we know what he is doing. His friends are now our friends. Our goals and dreams are set aside. (I know we, like, all remember that moment Lauren Conrad chose to live with Jason instead of taking the internship in Paris. Silly girl.) Whereas he is doing the exact same things he did before she came around. His world is built around himself too, not just her. If he initially made plans with his friends, but his girlfriend invited him to do something else, he doesn’t cancel his original plans.

Bravo, men, bravo! You are doing something right.

But inevitably when he does break up with her, she will return to us, her safety blanket. We take her back with open arms. We don’t question where she has been all this time. We aren’t mad or upset with her. Rather, we mend her broken heart, and are just happy to have her back until the next suitor comes along.

An open letter to my ex-boyfriends

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Dear Ex-Boyfriends,

I realized I never got around to writing any of you a letter. Firstly, do you even remember me? I wouldn’t want to send a letter to someone that hasn’t the slightest idea of who I am. But you should. I was once a very important person in your life, as you were once number one in my life. (Perhaps a big mistake on my part. Never make someone your priority if you’re number 12 on their list of Things to Do.) Nonetheless, we used to see one another every day. We laughed. We held hands. We had romantic walks along the beach as we discussed the meaning of life. Inevitably, you told me you loved me and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. (Each and every one of you.) Nonetheless, you broke my heart. (Each and every one of you.)

I proudly decided you were once worthy enough to have my heart, which I purposely enclosed in bubble wrap, placed into a box, which was then wrapped four times with a chain and locked shut. As I handed you each the key, I said “Don’t ever take this out of the box or else…” It was very much like Pandora’s Box because you couldn’t resist not seeing what was inside. All  of you opened the box and left it unprotected on the ground, releasing evil (heart break) that could not be undone. Inevitably, you all fell out of love with me. Nonetheless, when I met someone new, he would pick up the unprotected heart, pack it in bubble wrap, place it back in the box, bind it with a chain, and seal it shut with the lock. Nonetheless, like the previous person, he wanted to open up Pandora’s Box.

I couldn’t help but ask myself What happened, ex-boyfriends? It actually didn’t appear so… clean. It went a little more like this: I was sobbing, uncontrollably. My hair was a mess, snot was running down my nose, all the while yelling “W-w-w-w-what ha-hap-happened?!”  (And you thought you had already seen me at my worst, when waking up. ha!) I was crying to anyone who would listen: my mom, my walls, my cats, my shower, the radio, a stranger on the street. I cried at work. I cried in restaurants. I cried while driving. No one who listened had an answer, and so I kept fucking crying. I thought you all might hear me if I cried long and loud enough. Again, there was no such luck.

But eventually, you weren’t the first thing I thought about each morning. Eventually, I was no longer the girl who cried in restaurants. Eventually, I got over it.

I occasionally peek on some of your facebook pages to see what is new in your life. (Actually, it’s to see if you two have finally broken up. No? Oh, well, I guess you two really are suited for one another then.) Some of you haven’t changed. Mentally, at least. Physically, I can see you’ve finally put some weight onto your lanky bodies and appear to look your age. Congratulations.

But I, too, am different since we parted ways. Mentally, I’m much smarter (No, really! I’ve my college degree now to prove it. I am still looking for a wall to hang it on, though.) I’ve realized that none of you ever deserved to be placed on that pedestal and I was wasting my time crying about you to strangers. Physically, I am much hotter than you last saw me, too. I know one of you used to tell me to go brunette, but I never listened to you. Guess what? I finally did it. I decided to get rid of those blonde locks and go a dark, brown. Chocolate brown #6 to be exact. It really make me eyes pop, just like you said it would. Thank you.

Speaking of thank yous. I’m truly writing this open letter to thank you for breaking up with me. No, really. I thank you for breaking my heart. I thank you for releasing the evil from Pandora’s Box. It has helped me learn how to be content on my own. It’s helped me figure out who I was meant to be. Otherwise, I would still be in those miserable and masochistic relationships. I would still be that girl who had big dreams, but would never get around to them because I was settling for each of you, instead.  Thank you for helping me be that one step closer to being with that bigger and better someone.

Signed, sealed, delivered. I’m no longer yours.

Alpha male versus Beta male

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Good evening, ladies! Welcome to the main event of the night.

Introducing first: Fighting out of the blue corner, this man is an Alpha Male. He stands 6-feet-1-inch tall, weighing in at 185 pounds. Women find him attractive and hot. He is cocky, unemotional, and can be described by friends as dominant and a leader. He enjoys working out, playing sports, and acting tough.  He fights out of Cincinnati, Ohio. Introducing Max…”Protein Shake”..Powers!

Fighting out of the red corner, this man is a Beta Male. He stands 5-feet-10-inches tall, weighing in at a mere 152 pounds. Women consider him intellectually stimulating, and cute. Maybe. He is insecure, sensitive, and can be described by friends as smart and quirky. He enjoys reading, playing guitar, and writing. He fights out of San Diego, California. Introducing Seth…”Word Nerd”…Cohen!

Cue the howls of the ladies in the crowd.

Introducing our only judge of the evening, Jamie Lee. She’s had multiple years of ranting, raving, and writing about the opposite sex, and has tasted a bit of each of the two types. And tonight, ladies, she will be making the final decision of who captures her heart more often than not.

Let’s get ready to rumble!!!!!!!!!

When we first meet someone of the opposite sex, and haven’t heard the knock from the thought that asks, “Do we or do we not want to have physical relations with one another?” we base the answer on the person’s physical appearance. Is he tall? Check. Does he have hair? Check. Is he wearing jean shorts? No? Good.

He moves on to the next round because we have said “I do” to the aforementioned question. Or at least didn’t cringe at the thought of it.

Alpha males know they are attractive. Sometimes it’s confidence. Sometimes it’s cockiness. (Other times, it’s just denial.) Alpha males usually win if placed against a beta male. It’s life. It’s social Darwinism–only the strong survive. Yet, in this case, it’s whoever looks more appealing to the woman. But how long are good looks really going to last? His big muscles aren’t going to be the one to tell you how much he adores you. His big muscles, however, will be fishing for compliments. And that is just stroking more of his ego.

In high school, began my fascination of baseball players. At 15, I quickly learned that they were the epitome of a good-looking alpha male. They weren’t (normally) overweight like American football players. Their faces weren’t covered in a face mask, making the sport more enjoyable to watch. They walked around school with an aura of confidence. They knew they were good looking.

But I am insecure. I am an introvert. I admit that I can be socially awkward at times (because I abhor small talk). I am a listener, and often get told “You’re so quiet.” Naturally, I was attracted to someone without those said qualities. Alpha males are the complete opposite of me.

Yet at the same time, alpha males intimidate me. Whenever I muster enough courage to talk to one of them, the conversations are quite dull. (Not because of me. Duh.) But something is missing. Alphas usually think Will Ferrell is hilarious. (He isn’t.) Alphas normally enjoy working out, and inevitably they are athletic. They smell of testosterone, even after out of the shower. They rely on their good looks to attract a female. Plus,

Men who are too good looking are never good in bed because they never had to be.

To be with an alpha male is simply a fantasy. It’s similar to what a child thinks when he or she hears the words Disney World. Their eyes light up with anticipation. Their stomach does a flip when the thought of meeting Mickey Mouse. But a visit to Disney World smacks them with a dose of reality: it’s a tourist trap with a mob of people who are all trying to meet Mickey.

It’s the idea that seems entirely wonderful. But I know I’d be disappointed because the relationship is based purely on the sexual attraction of one another. There would be no witty banter, no intellectual stimulation of the mind or laughing out loud when hearing the words reverse Boston creme.

After the physical attraction simmers down, I try to learn about this person. I want to know everything I can to see if there is something other than physical attraction. And I’ve finally found the question to ask someone of the opposite sex to decipher whether or not he is an alpha or a beta.

Do you prefer cats or dogs?

“Dogs,” he says. Alpha.

“Cats,” he says. Beta.

“I don’t like animals,” he says. This interview is over.

The epitome of a beta male.

If he is a cat guy, I am instantly smitten. I know his type. He’s a beta male. Think: fictional character, Tom Hansen. Or real life James Franco.

Betas are the right-brained men of the world. He is usually the creative type, with a big imagination. He reads, he writes, and he cooks. He is a dreamer and is musically inclined. He is a sensy. All of these are deal sealers.

He usually gets looked over by women because he doesn’t fit that mold that society considers “hot.” But rather, cute. However, this should not be considered a bad thing. Cute means personality. Hot means dull. (Remember that, ladies.)

He is smart. He is witty. He is the kind of man who makes the almost-perfect boyfriend. He knows he isn’t Brad Pitt, and makes the effort to woo you with his words and his charm. He appreciates you, even with your flaws.

He is a beta, and he is the type to completely capture my heart over and over again.

I’m looking for Mr. Completely Opposite of Me

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I normally would never kiss such an ugly man, but I cannot resist those charming words coming from his lips. nom, nom, nom.

You like coffee. He prefers tea. You’re an idealist. He’s a realist. You do take-out. He insists on cooking every meal. You like cats. He has two dogs. You’re water. He’s oil. You’re a Virgo. He’s a Pisces. You believe in astrology. He thinks it’s absurd.

You two are opposites, but are attracted to one another.

I’ve always believed in this theory of opposites attracting. I’m not the only one either, as screen writers insist on playing upon this notion all the time: a vampire and a human, a beauty and a beast (just creepy, really), a porn star and a straight-arrow high-school senior. But I cannot say it’s because of movies that have my believing of the idea. Sure, Jamie, sure.

Keep reading! I will blow your mind. Or at least think, Hmm! She may be onto something.

I’ve dated a person who was completely similar to me, and a person who was quite opposite of me. The latter one stuck around longer, so my theory was gaining points among the skeptics. Of course once we broke up, my critics stuck up their nose thinking, Told you so! Scoff! While my fans kindly told me, you’re too good for him, any way.

Thanks.

So, why do opposites attract? Jamie’s theory is quite simple: because she subconsciously or not looks for things in the opposite sex that she so often lacks in herself. A great cook. Take-out. Good with numbers. Uses fingers to count. Being a realist. I’m dreaming of a white Christmas while living in Florida. English accent. American accent. Having dimples on the cheeks. Having dimples on the wrong cheeks. Confidence. Insecure about said dimples.

This would inevitably mean I have all the qualities he is lacking. It creates the ultimate duo. The as-perfect-as-it-will-ever-be couple. The kind of relationship where the two people complement one another so well. That both of their strengths put together would make the whole pie, rather than just bits and pieces of the pie.

You often idealize your future fantasies out loud: I want to be a globe trotter, and conquer the world! Where he kindly would bring you back to reality: Jamie, you need money and a plan. You often find yourself running out the door five minutes late. Where he kindly would set the alarm clock five minutes ahead.

It would be this lovely, harmonious balance of a give-and-take kind of relationship.

When opposites attract, and a relationship has been formed, both people in the duo would introduce each other to new experiences or thoughts one might never have come to before. He likes hiking. You never thought walking could be a hobby. You like astrology. He never thought someone could actually say no to a potential suitor because the person is an Aries based on what pseudo science says about Virgo-Aries compatibility.

However, this does not mean the two should be completely opposite when it comes to everything, especially beliefs and view points on life. I don’t think I could truly be happy with someone if they believed there was an imaginary man in the sky. I couldn’t. Nor could I enjoy one’s company if he believes life should be viewed through a conservative lens. Unless he likes political debates, but I would get exhausted yelling back and forth at a wall. Have you ever tried arguing with a conservative?

Exactly.

Valentine’s, Schmalentine’s Day.

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Being single on Valentine’s Day does not terrify me. It does not depress me. I do not eat a pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream, producing moisture on my cheeks, as I watch Lifetime movies. I don’t, as that is terribly cliche. Rather, I  stop at Dunkin Donuts to indulge in a large hot coffee (two Splenda) and a Reverse Boston Kreme doughnut (see below) before work.

In fact, I’ve been single more times than I’ve actually been with someone on February 14. And to be honest, I’m not missing much. What? Chocolate in a heart-shaped box? An impersonal card that some man female copywriter wrote? Flowers?

I will admit, however, I love dining out with a man, so this is inevitably missed. But really, I could do this any other day of the week when a reservation is not needed. (Okay so a man would be needed as well.) I also would probably miss a night of getting horizontal with someone, too.

I do not sulk at the thought of couples being wined and dined in the booth just for two. I work at a restaurant, I see this on an every day basis. Just two days ago, a marriage proposal was set up at the restaurant. Really? Valentine’s Day weekend? How unoriginal of you, man. I also do not become bitter as I deliver flowers to the higher-ups at the newspaper.

Because I don’t fall for the fauxliday that’s created by Hallmark. Some will say that I am just bitter because I’m single. That’s not true because if I wanted someone to take me out tonight, I’m sure someone would oblige to humor me.

So, how did Hallmark come into the picture anyway? Oh, I know.

Think like a corporation for a second. A corporation trying to survive in a capitalist society on steroids. To be considered successful in the world, one must make a shit load of money.

Corporations decided to prey upon the naive consumer, in particular, the in-love consumers. All the while making the single consumer feel bad about themselves for not being good enough, not lovable enough for someone. Maybe I should have bought the anti-aging cream.

Hallmark thought,

“Gee, we need some money. We have all these damn cards and people are only buying them for bat/bar mitzvahs, birthdays, and circumcisions. That’s not making us enough to feed our greedy souls! How about we create some crap holiday where couples show how much they think they love one another. How about a card that reads ‘I love you’?”

“You think people would actually buy that?”

It’s estimated that over $15 million will be spent during the fauxliday this year. Whether it’s cards, chocolate, flowers, or dinner. After all, they’re in the business of money, not love. Like every holiday, it, too, has become terribly commercialized. Christmas is  about camping outside a retail store nine days before Black Friday to get the best deal on a big-screen television.Retail stores will even take advantage of Earth Day to have an excuse for a sale, to have an excuse to get a customer in their store. I hate consumerism.

l’m ending with a moment of Don Draper.

What you call love is invented by men, like me, to sell nylons.