I had to do it.
I had to do it if I wanted to pursue my goals, explore my dreams, and discover my identity.
It took days to mentally prepare myself what to say. I rehearsed it in my head. I rehearsed it to my mother. I rehearsed it while looking in the mirror. I didn’t want to look too ecstatic, but I didn’t want to have a lack of facial expression. I finally nailed it after the thirty-second time.
I broke up with my job. Yes, the job I ranted about in my last post. Yes, the job I have been seeing for the past nine months that no longer makes me happy. I told my boss that although it has been a great experience, I am ready to start my career (whatever that may be) and move to the west coast. Fortunately, she took it extremely well and I was finally able to breathe. I was free.
Life lessons# 34: Breaking up is hard to do. I can see why so many people will stay in their miserable relationships for years. I have never had to tell someone that although I love them, I am no longer in love with them.
But I certainly have been told it.
Jamie, I love you. I do. But, I am no longer in love with you.
(Of course, it probably wasn’t that eloquent.)
I tilted my head, much like a dog would do if you asked it, “Treat?” It was hard to roll my head around the idea. Like most women, I had to over-analyze it. If he loves me, why is he sobbing as he tells me this? What does he mean he is no longer “in love” with me? I didn’t get it, so I Googled it.
Okay, I did get it, but I still Googled it.
We were at the point of the relationship where it had gone sour. (I just didn’t want to accept it.) We discussed we needed a break. You know, the infamous break. A break from what? I suppose each other. Even though everyone knows a break is like the prelude to a break up, literally and figuratively. It’s as if he placed me in a storage unit for the time being. He wasn’t quite ready to get rid of me entirely, but didn’t see the use of having me everyday.
Life lessons #54: If you’re placed in a storage unit, get out immediately when you have the opportunity.
Face it: we are all masochists at least one point or another. It does not matter what side of the stick we are on in the relationship, one of us (or possibly both) are suffering. He didn’t want to be the bad guy and break my heart. But I didn’t want to be without him. Fortunately for me, he did it. I even thanked him in an open letter.
Life lessons #86: Breaks up are great for you–emotionally and physically.
Besides on January 1, when has there ever been a time when you wanted to change yourself more? It probably happened right after someone declared that you were no longer lovable in their eyes. I never understood why, or maybe I did, people felt the need to do so. Do we do it to prove to the other person, who deemed us unlovable, that he or she is going to miss out on how extraordinary we really are? Do we do it to fall in love with ourselves again (or for the first time ever)? Perhaps we do it to give ourselves an excuse for a radical and sexy hair change? Like saying adieu to blonde hair. (Best decision ever, by the way.)
I broke up with my job to make my dreams a reality.
In nine days, I am flying to San Francisco, followed by an indefinite stay in Portland. (Oregon? What the hell is in Oregon?! I am pretty sure I am in love already.) I am finally pursuing my goals, living my dreams, and exploring my identity. Although I will be unemployed, have no set plans, and hardly enough money to get by, I have never been more excited. This is the first time in my life where I have felt completely free from all obligations (besides that damn $330 car payment) and not tied down to anything.
Inevitably, all of this means I am breaking up with Florida, as well. I am sure it will take it the hardest to comprehend.
You’re leaving? What do you mean?
(Florida went and Googled it.)
While most people will be stuck in their boring day-to-day routine because they are afraid of failure, of heartbreak, and of being alone, I am about to do what most people wish they could do: step outside their comfort zone.
And despite how hard it is (and was) to break up with the things I have grown accustomed to, I know it will be entirely worth it.